"I had an amazing childhood. Loving parents, great friendships & I never lacked for love. Even with all of this, I lacked the ability to share my feelings. I held them in like poison. I felt weak if I cried, & the only true emotion that I could show was anger.
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In my 20s I was like a shaken soda bottle ready to explode. At this time having dabbled in yoga, aggressive sports were more my speed. What better way to get all of that unknown pent up anger out than roller derby. My career hitting people on the track ended when I broke my fibula & tore all of my ligaments. With that, came the anxiety & depression
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I remember lying in bed, feeling nothing but numb. Dying was constantly in my thoughts. After seeing a mental health care professional, I became functional again. This is when yoga found me
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My first real Savasana, I remember sobbing. It was a feeling that I never had felt before. Real, raw emotion. It allowed me to release, with no judgement. I felt safe. From that moment on I began to practice daily. I finally felt hope in something that I truly loved
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The day after Christmas in 2018, I fell back into anxiety. I just remember looking at that full bottle of pills & knowing that I could make it all stop, make it all go away. That night I was admitted into an inpatient mental health care facility. It was terrifying. I felt like I was outside of my body, or in a movie
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Waking up in the morning on top of that plastic covered bed, I would practice. Pranayama, child's pose, folds, anything that would help me get through. I did this for six mornings straight while detoxing off Benzodiazepines. It was the most horrific experience of my life. Yoga was my safe place, it made me feel normal, alive & human.
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This is possibly the most vulnerable that I have ever been. Only a handful of people know my story. I want to end the stigma against mental illness & show the benefits that yoga has for individuals that struggle like I do.
Yoga is my church. It doesn't judge, there is no competition. It is full of pure intention. When I am alone on my mat, there is no place that I feel more centered 🙏
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