"I moved out of my parent’s house when I was 14. I hurt myself. Because hurting myself was sometimes the only way that I could hold onto something real. I subjected myself to all sorts of abuse because deep down I was certain that was the only thing that I deserved
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Unworthy
I believed I was unworthy
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Sometimes the depression was so gripping I would feel it in the follicles of my hair, my cells ached in my veins. Make it go away
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Make it go away. I fantasized about disappearing
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I wondered what it would be like to not be. I mostly got attention for my appearance. I modeled & in those moments it was all high praise. I learned that when I was pretty I was valuable & that people were mostly put off by my brain
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I learned to grow hard to protect myself from unwanted advances. I learned to not care. Build a wall
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Build a wall. Keep them out. Don’t let them in. The process of feeling again. Of tenderizing my heart was the most painful work ever. It was my yoga practice found at age 12 that kept me alive in many ways & led me to this moment 🙏
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Because it required me to stop numbing out. It demanded something of me. Feelings buried alive never die & when that bottle was opened up the flood of it all was sometimes more than I could bear
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Present pains would tear open old wounds that felt generational and so long held. But every piece of myself I’ve welcomed in has opened me up to new joy. I spent so long looking for a savior & it wasn’t until I understood that no one was coming & that I had to turn inward that I began to find my wholeness. It wasn’t until I stopped trying to “let go” like all the spiritual people were telling me to do that I was able to reintegrate the pieces of myself I’d pushed away so long ago
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It wasn’t until I quit treating myself like I was broken & honored my innate innocence that the healing came like a wave. It wasn’t until I forgave myself that I was able to forgive you. The way you do one thing is the way you do everything. If you’re holding self hatred I promise it’s in all you are 💚
Forgive yourself. It’s the only way to keep your innocence
